I really wish I could figure out a way to jot down notes while out for a jog. A year ago when I started this blog I picked the name “Cancer won’t Run my Life” basically because I was jogging a lot and as a metaphor that this diagnosis won’t dictate the way I live my life. Fast forward a year a I really haven’t written that much about the way that running effects my life, mostly in a positive light, but also in difficult ways as well. So for this post I’ll try to get back to the roots of what this was all about in the first place.
This blog was a way to tell my story based the way I feel and my mental, physical and emotional states and ever changing moods and state of mind. So, for the last few months I kind of tapered off the running for a bit in order to try and bring up my body weight and also clear up some small, but lingering injuries (age). Then starting again about three weeks ago I started to ramp things up again, this time not worrying so much about how fast I could go per kilometre, but more about keeping a certain focus while out there, listening to my breathing. I have been trying meditation for a while and like many others who message me, I also have a very hard time turning my brain off to focus, but just controlling the never ending thoughts that come to the forefront as I try to stay in control for even 10 minutes is sometimes overwhelming and I feel less relaxed then I did even before starting, can you relate?
Now that I have returned to, well never really left, running and hiking I guess, I go about it in a different way now. Before I would always having headphones on with an audiobook playing, podcast or just have my tunes cranking and ya it does most times pump you up and get you going, but after a while I’d lose track and my mind would wander and I still don’t understand how that happens when sound is being pumped basically into my brain. When I go out now my phone is left at home, the only piece of electronic on me is my very old Fitbit (which still does the trick). This is my way of meditating, for the first kilometre the thoughts wander and it’s the usual, my illness, money, kids, life, what to do now?, where do I start? Yup, there’s a lot in there, then after that first kilometre or say 5 and a half minutes my focus starts to narrow and shifts to my breathing and getting it under control to bring down my heart rate, knowing I have a ways to go yet. Now it’s just me the road ahead and under me, the sound of my feet striking the pavement or dirt and the rhythm of my breathing. Within no time my thoughts just don’t go away, but seem to come under control I can still see and listen to them more like in the third person, watching them and beginning to understand what’s really important and what it not. Then as the run continues it kind of goes to another level of focus and I think it’s the one that’s spoken of when you sit to meditate, just peace and quiet, like tunnel vision, a zone…I guess? When I can almost taste the air that my lungs are working hard to bring in, birds in the distance are clearer, my running stride has become automatic (far from perfect, but you get what I mean). It has become just me and the journey that lies ahead and no run ever really ends, there is no finish line during this race or marathon.
Getting to this state of mind is what I’m after and it’s generally very therapeutic, along with jogging it does wonders both physically and mentally. Although I do get to points where I’m so zoned in I’ve accidentally run through stop signs, missed people waving at me and run right off a trail. I haven’t been hurt or caused anyone to be hurt, so generally I just laugh at myself when this does occur, but have made a mental note to watch for stop signs in particular.
So this is the nuts and bolts of my blog and it felt good writing about it again and remembering why I started this in the first place, to help myself along with spreading awareness and letting other know with rare diseases(cancer) they are not alone and life doesn’t have to end, just because a doctor tells you that time is limited. My advice find what brings you focus and happiness, as for that fear well I use it to force me to do things out of my comfort zone, to drive me to squeeze the most out of everyday. What I live with inside me now is my greatest fear, so what else is there to be afraid of?
I haven’t been as active on here as I like lately and did honestly think about just shutting down the blog, well that was a dark day and I realize now that as soon as my fingers(slow as they may be) start working the keyboard I begin to understand how important this is to me. I kinda put a little stress on myself as to a schedule of when I wanted posts out and now I understand that’s not how I operate, they will still always come out but randomly like how I want to treat life now, when the mood strikes I’ll write, if it feels forced…well there’s always tomorrow. I hope you keep following along and don’t be afraid to comment or message me, I know some people have told me it’s a pain on WordPress to leave a comment or like, so I may be looking for a new platform. I’m always up for a chat through messenger or any other means. Thanks for reading!
Oh, I’ve just been informed the ice is out, so I’ll be camping very shortly so stay tuned for some new wilderness pictures. Also I have a new video up on my YouTube channel for anyone to check out, as always subscribe, like and or comment. It’s very much appreciated!